Don't Ask
by Naruto-fan76
Summary: Midori Jester: I was his beta, but I thought it was too stupidly funny that I left it mostly alone. Naruto fan76: Heh. She's my big sister. Jester Midori: Obviously, I'm the more refined of the two. Naruto fan76: Read her stories. They're funny and junk.
1. Installment the First

_Hikari-Aoi: Hello! This was made through sheer stupidity on my little brother's part.  
Naruto-fan76: Hey!_

* * *

**_Disclaimer: I no own. _**

* * *

Edward was bored because he couldn't go to the carnival, being the short little alchemis that he is, so he decided to go drink until he passed out. But as soon as he got to the kitchen, he found Roy and Riza singing a Britney Spears song. 

'Just don't ask. Just don't ask.' thought Edward as he inched out of the kitchen.

Thankfully they didn't notice him. He just slowly walked out of his house not believing what he just heard, but then he thought one thing. Blackmail!

The next, day after Ed had gotten completely drunk the night before ( bad minor!), he decided that he would go to the office, and ask Roy and Riza what they were doing yesterday afternoon.

Ed found Roy in his office burning all his paperwork.

"So exactly why were you and Riza singing in my kitchen yesterday?" asked Ed.

Roy didn't say anything, but after a few seconds Ed noticed Roy's desk go up in flames.

"I-I-I don't know what you're talking about." stammered Roy.  
"Well, I might've had a little too much coffee."

"What was Riza doing there?"

"Coffee."

Ed then took Roy's coffee cup and threw it out the window. There was a loud shatter, and someone screaming for an ambulance. Ed sweat dropped as he heard the ambulance.

"Whoops."

There was then a scream from below, "He's dead!"

"And you thought the coffee was bad," smirked Roy

"Shut up, Roy," replied Ed, as for the second time he inched out the door.

Ed decided he would just question Riza, and put the whole coffee cup incident behind him. Needless to say, as soon as the teen left Roy's office, everybody including Riza Hawkeye, wanted to know why Roy's coffee cup had killed a man. Plus, he heard Riza say she was gonna shoot Roy into a bloody pulp.

Nervous, the alchemist went running home as fast as he could, before Riza found out it was him. Of course she was gonna hunt him down anyway, so he might as well enjoy his last moments alive. But before he even got home he was being shot at.

"DANG IT ROY!" he screamed, arms flailing.

'Why did you tell her so quickly? You didn't even give me enough time to get half way home!' he thought.

Right as Ed finished this thought Roy came running up beside him.

"Why are you here?" asked Edward.

"Riza just assumed we had done it, and started shooting," Roy replied hurriedly. "So just run like the wind, Shorty."

Roy shot ahead as Ed yelled at him.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" shouted Ed as he put on a extra burst of speed so he could catch up to and kill Roy.

It's a good thing Ed put on that extra burst of speed because right as he sped up Riza came riding up on a motorcycle in to the area where the teen had been standing a moment before, and she was ready to blow his head off.

Ed should be thankful for being short that day because he ran out of breath quickly, and decided to jump behind some garbage cans and wait for Riza to pass. Luckily, she didn't notice him, and went speeding right past. Ed decided he would take the back allies home, and wait for this entire thing to blow over.

It took him a lot longer then usual but he got home only to find Roy hiding behind the couch.

"What the hell are you doing here!" exclaimed the surprised Edward.

"I couldn't think of anywhere else to run," said Roy.

"Whatever, just turn on the news," he replied, exhausted.

When they turned on the news it read the headline:

**Local millionaire dies by coffee cup**

Ed and Roy looked at the headline, and they kind of looked like this: o.0

Slowly, Mustang reached for the remote and turned off the T.V.

"Let's agree to never talk about this again," the blond boy said thoughtfully, blinking.

"Agreed."

Ed sent Roy off at about midnight when they were sure Riza was gone. He actually saw Riza a little ways off, but he didn't say anything to Roy because he still wanted to get back at the man for calling him short. As soon as the alchemist closed the door, he heard the colonel scream as he went running down the street dodging Hawkeye's bullets. Laughing hysterically for ten minutes, he decided to go to bed.

* * *

**Author Babble:**

_Naruto-fan76: Heh. There's another part to this.  
Hikari-Aoi: Yeah, goody goody gumdrops. More for me to edit.  
Naruto-fan76: Duh._  
_Hikari-Aoi: Shut up. Review!_


	2. Installment the Second

_Midori-Jester: Whoop-dee-do. I changed my name from Hikari-Aoi to Midori-Jester.  
Naruto-fan76: Yay! Update!_

* * *

The next day Ed went to see if anything had happened to Roy. Sure enough, he looked like he had been running all night. 

"Riza was still out there, and she chased me all night. She even shot me in the foot," sobbed Roy.

"I know," he replied, grinning.  
"And before you say anything, Britney Spears. Lets just call this payback for the 'short' comment."

Just then he saw Roy reaching for a coffee cup. It instantly flew out the window.

All of a sudden: "He's dead!".

"Why does this keep happening to me?" cried Ed.

"Ha ha, stupid, short-"

That's as far as Roy got before Ed threw him out the window.

But, he then heard, "He's dead _and_ crushed now!"

"Why the hell does this always happen to me?"the boy sobbed.

"'Cause you're short!" Roy screamed up to the window.

Ed then threw Roy's chair out the window.

"Ha ha, you missed me!" the older man taunted, right before a binder hit him square in the face, and he passed out.

As Ed left the office he came face to face with Maes Hughes.

"How's Roy?" asked Hughes.

"Let's just say he taking a nap outside the building right now," Ed joyfully replied.

As soon as there was no one around, the teen went running for dear life, before Riza found out. He didn't want a repeat of the other day.

All of a sudden, he heard a gun shot and went running as fast as a midget could run. He ran right into Alphonse and tumbled over.

"What are you doing?" asked Al.

"No time to talk, must save skin," panted Ed.

Edward then ran as fast as he could, again leaving Al in his dust.

"I wonder-"

Al then saw Hawkeye go running past him.

"Oh."

The armored boy then decided he would go see Roy of all people. When he got there he saw why Riza was chasing Ed.

One word popped into Al's mind when he saw the scene.

"Idiot."

* * *

_A/N: Midori-Jester: We can't update until you finish the third part.  
Naruto-fan76: I know, but I got writer's block!  
Midori-Jester: So do I, but you don't see me whining!  
Naruto-fan76: Shut up..._  



	3. Installment the Third

_Midori-Jester: Yes! I'm done editing!  
Naruto-fan76: That's only because it's the last chapter.  
Midori-Jester: Shush. Let me enjoy my freedom._

* * *

That same very night there was a knock on the Elric brothers' door. Edward decided to answer, because he was bored out of his mind. As the door opened the golden-eyed boy saw it was Roy, and a badly hurt one. 

The colonel had a neck brace, a cast on his right arm, a cast on his left leg, and a bandaged upper head.

"Why, aren't you the picture of perfection," the teen smirked.

Roy then pulled out what looked like a fully loaded pistol, making Ed's eyes widen. He pulled the trigger and, lo and behold, no bullet.

"DAMN IT!" screamed the older man, waving the gun around.

Ed slammed the door shut, but the door fell off its hinges. Roy was then smashed, again.

Ed took this opportunity to take the pistol. He aimed at Roy's arm, and pulled the trigger.

_Wee woo! Wee woo!_

" YOU KISAMA!" screamed Roy.

"I thought it was empty!" said Edward through bursts of laughter. "It was like Russian roulette!"

The truth was that... (drum roll) the pistol was fully loaded. Ed ended up shattering a nerve and a few bones in Roy's arm. The teen was just going to leave him there, but Alphonse insisted that he should call 911.

The brothers did forget to pull the colonel out from under the door. Al ended up calling 911 again, and actually told them that the man was under the door.

When Roy was picked up and was being taken the hospital, something not-so-surprising happened. The end of the ambulance opened up, and the fire alchemist was thrown out of the ambulance while it was going at 60 mph. All his bones were crushed.

"Why me?" Roy asked himself, groaning in pain.

Roy wasn't at work for a few months (rejoice), though no one really cared. He did come back though. He wasn't to happy with Edward, but then who is? All was back to normal. For now anyway.

* * *

_A/N: Naruto-fan76: You know I'm gonna make a drabble series or something after this, and you're still gonna edit it.  
Midori-Jester/Rocking out to Feel Good Inc. by the Gorillaz/  
Naruto-fan76/Sighes/ She needs to get out more.  
Midori-Jester: Nooo! The outside world burns me! The light! NOOOOO!  
Naruto-fan76: Err...  
_


End file.
